Turtledile Hunter

Saturday? Paddling with Poppy

KD 06 - k.d. lang - Hallelujah (Leonard Cohen) - Hymns Of The 49th Parallel 1

River: peaked and swollen
Soundtrack:

It's been a while since I've blogged about the condition of the respective love lives DeVille, I know, but the situation has been such that it defies the confines of the mere pixel.

For a while we were on a poly break ( fools that we be to think that such a thing was ever in our control ) and Clever, bless his pea picken,  met someone, which lead to all kinds of sloppy angst and property damage.

I rilly put my foot down, NO, Nuh uh, I'm not ready, which, of course, led to Clever's immediate acquiescence and my own total peace of mind.

Right? As if.

Eventually ( I am slow like that)  it became evident that my denial of Clever's burgeoning relationship was counter productive and I realized that being too attached to an outcome, any outcome, really, which was by and large out of my control, was just gonna give me a rash, cause separation between Clever and I & irritate everyone in general.

And so unencumbered, our dear Clever has found a measure of romantic success in the wilderness of our poly frontier.

And what of Cecily? Funny you should ask...

A developing liaison with the ever charming, ridiculously skilled, M.Yu has kept me on my toes of late, our dates to disagreements ratio being fairly even.

My relative level of boneheadedness notwithstanding, we still manage to eek out the odd glorious moment when we remember not to take ourselves too seriously, raising the gross vibrational standard for miles around.

My own energetic frequency has been so tweaked by our Poopeckie Proximity (tm) as to have an undeniable impact on Cecily futures. Lurid offers have begun to pour into DeVille central only to be turned down, my preference being to return this particular energy to it's source. Like recycling, but sexier.

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Source: courant.com

Most of what we hear about polygamy has to do with stomach-turning situations like the recently raided West Texas ranch where it is believed that members of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints — a breakaway Mormon sect — abused children.

But Robyn Trask, executive director of Loving More, a Boulder, Colo.-based group, believes it is unfortunate that the public often doesn't hear about what she believes are the positive aspects to having more than one partner.

While polygamy involves having more than one spouse, Trask's group, which has 1,500 active members, including some in Connecticut, supports polyamory: having multiple loves of either sex with or without marriage.

Trask's organization publishes Loving More Magazine and runs conferences and retreats that address topics that naturally arise, such as jealousy and envy, and provides support and education for people who wish to have "poly" lives.

Read the rest of the interview

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 Check this, from a F.O.A.F. Handy, no?

The idea of the spectrum is that it gives a 1 to 10 rating of the intensity
between "no" and "yes". It can be useful because not only will it help you
gauge your own intensity, it can make it easier to express your position
when you're talking about an emotionally charged subject. So, here's the
scale:

1. "No, and I never want to talk about this again."
2. "No, but you could ask again in the future."
3. "No, but I can see a possible path towards yes, so let's discuss it."
4. "No for today, but my mind is open. Let's take our time and discuss it."
5. "No for today, but I am close to yes. Let's talk about some remaining
issues or obstacles."
6. "Yes, but I'm not comfortable with it."
7. "Yes, but with severe limitations that may not be what you want."
8. "Yes, within broad limits that you seem to be comfortable with."
9. "Yes, you have my blessing with no limits."
10. "Yes, and I'm actively encouraging you. Why are we still talking
instead of acting?"

When you are afraid to ask your partner something, it's typically because
you think their answer will be #1. Maybe it will be. Personally, I think
it's worth asking and knowing rather than just assuming. If the answer is
#3 or above, you can actually start talking about it.

It's important to remember is that not all things require #10 to do. If I
wanted to blow some money on a new camera, my partner might be at #6, but I
would feel OK doing it anyway. However, if I wanted to get hand-fasted to
another woman, I would need a #10 from my partner to feel OK doing it.
Ultimately we decided that most actions and relationships in the poly realm
require a #7 or #8 as the minimum to act.

It's also important to understand that not everything will move up the scale
into the "yes" range, and that's OK. This is not a tool to persuade someone
towards yes. It's a tool to better communicate your position on a
particular subject.

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An unusual set of circumstances today had me reviewing my list of NLP enabled boyfriends ( the most recent two qualify to be sure, with a couple of stragglers in the maybe/has psych degree column, ((don't even get me started on that!))) and why these particular chaps with this particular, fairly specific, esoteric skill set end up in the DeVille orbit.

Uh, duh? Right, you study NLP, chica, so, of course you know NLPeeps, right? Nuh-uh. neither Max nor PK came to me as a direct result of my interest in NLP, in fact I didn't know anything about NLP until after Max & I were dating.(<---insert red flag here)

And so it goes that today I started working on a project w/ an actual NLPeep, C. Shanty, and recognized the " Hay I'm really fantastic, and life it is grand" fugue shortly thereafter.

This is a skill, Right? Who wouldn't want their interactions to be characterized by all parties feeling really groovy. Hells yeah.

I've mentioned before that there are certain people (ahem) with whom I feel quite at ease and connected naturally, often resulting in illuminating discourse, always in our own amusement ( am I right, heh?)

What's most excellent is that it's a behavior that can be modeled, therefor replicated. Em , so, you mean, uh, engineered? Well, kind of , I do.

As I understand it, one of the ways to experience the benefits of NLP is to integrate more rewarding routines into your behavior so that it becomes natural to create rapport ( for example)

Over the weekend Clever & I were on our way to drinks & dins  w/ C.S. & his (NLP enabled) wife, and  I was thinking, just a little, way back in my brain, "great Ceaser! What do we have in common, how will we ever fill all  that conversational space, we don't really know these people...yikes" only to be reminded by the other voice in my brain that anytime we spend time with them we've ended up talking ridiculously late into the evening ( considering nobody's getting Spanked, I mean!) Due, at least in part, I believe to their rapport skills and of course Clever's and my

And why not? Certainly, it's possible to misuse influence, but that leads the the disINTEGRATION of the relationship  (see: What Ever Happened To Max?) so that influence is not lasting, but what if you were raising the vibrational frequency of your interactions, of yourself and those who choose to tune in, ride along? Win/Win, am I right?

Part of what I'm beginning to notice about me is that I'm way more social than my self talk would have me believe. I carry around the notion that I don't enjoy interacting with people ( possibly an occupational hazard of retail sales) But the  overwhelming majority of my experience has been wholly positive of late.

In response to the question;
 

What would you do if you never had to think about money?...

Sail.

Despite the frequency with which this question seems to pop into my life of late, I'd never actually answered that exact question, mostly did a big gory dance around it's rich nutty nougat center, answering, instead how I would make money if I could make money however I wanted, (teaching, sex positive, blah blah blah... )Then along comes, the tricky never think about money phrase and Bam, I'm on task ( those NLP'ers, I tell ya)  And here's me, veritable mistress of the obvious, all wanting to comport myself thusly as often as possible.

      
                            What About You?

Rowing with Poppy  yesterday & the discovery of some MMM,bloggy goodness, witness.....

from MonMouth:

Monday, March 10, 2008

Beginners guide to asskissing 

Management-speak has given a bad name to asskissing. Unimaginatively

Kiss This

associated with excessively ingratiating supplication, the flattery of
superiors and an unhealthy willingness to relinquish personal dignity
in order to move a further few inches up the corporate ladder, we
hedonists should reclaim it from the clutches of the careerists.

I'm not ashamed - I love asskissing.

Particularly when the victim is tied down helplessly with buttocks
raised. The trick is to go slow, to appreciate the abundance and feel,
the sensation of the full globes of the posterior cupped in one's
palms. Stroke in lazy circles, relaxing, and perhaps deliver a few
slaps - not an outright spanking, just enough to warm the kissee up
and make him/her aware that they may be in the clutches of an
unpredictable pervert.

Tease. Kiss the bountiful swell off the cheeks first, perhaps have a
little nibble, gently sinking your teeth into the soft, warm skin.
Slap, pinch, pull - make it clear that this is your territory now.
Yours to do with as you please. Then spread them apart, pulling firmly
to either side, palms planted firmly on each buttock. Expose the cleft
of the ass to air, light and the promise of your tongue, warm, wet and
probing, descending down on the sensitive little cluster of nerves...

And wait.

Until the victim squirms. Then pounce down, planting a delicate kiss
on the tender pinkness of the anus. It's dirty, filthy, unnatural and
forbidden, but that's precisely why it feels so good. When you finally
let your tongue stroke lazy circles around the rim, your victim should
let out a deep groan of shameless enjoyment. Kiss, poke, wiggle your
tongue into the tight little crevice and enjoy the accumulating force
of sensation that will make the grateful recipient strain and push up
against your face, giggling, shaking, squealing, moaning...

He or she will probably not come from this. No, orgasm is not the
point. This is more like tickling.

And afterwards, you can enjoy how wonderfully open and malleable your
asskissee will be.

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Clever Construx

Dear Ones, fantastic weekend all around! First weekend of NLP practitioner training was both entertaining & informative. Clever opted to attend the trainings as well, which is very exciting, as we have one another to engage as well informed guinea pigs and the stuff we're learning is as much about personal growth as it is professional application. We are gonna be so evolved. For those of you following along in your playbooks, this session we learned about triple description, which is seeing any given experience or memory from multiple perspectives to gain insight and flexibility. We applied this learning to an exercise called the New Behavior Generator in which one re-imagines an old situation, applying whatever new resource we deem would improve the outcome ( patience was a big one) and then see ourselves accessing the more resourceful state under similar circumstances in the future, later we built on that idea to include using a model, if we were unsure that we were possessed of the more resourceful state, the woman who was demoing the process choose, Catherine Hepburn & Barbara Streisand, ya see? Day two was Rapport  being in it, being out of it and how to use it on one's self. Kinesthetic Anchoring and the Circle of Excellence rounded out the experience. Yay.

Who cares, right? We wanna hear about the bruising, isn't this supposed to be about Captain Spanks Alot? More photos, please. I hear ya. While the whole NLP thing is quite useful & enriching and all that,(and I do appreciate your indulgence as I chronicle those goings on for my own future reference...) the more prurient portion of our weekend is likely of more interest to you, gentle reader. The lovely Maracuya put together a do, to which Clever & I happily traipsed of a Saturday evening complete with celebratory food & new friends heretofore unmade. M & D_San, ever the consummate hosts provided the perfect combination of drinks, dinner and debauchery. It should come as no surprise, then that sometime during the evening I found myself over the knee of the hunktastic Captain Spanks Alot, fanny aloft, knickers exposed, happily squirming and peeping as he set about his work. Fun! By the end of the evening  I was being attended by The Captain, his lovely wife and D-San and I came to the conclusion that three is the optimal number of spankers for the DeVille posterior. Mrrrrowr.

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Source: polyamory community at LiveJournal

When I was but a wee lad in my early twenties, and not wise in the ways of polyamory, I used to scoff at the ideas of people falling into relatively easy to identify clichés.  Especially among the poly community; after all, weren’t we all being delightfully non-conformist.  Now, from the ever-so-much-more-enlightened position of being in my late twenties, I see that, no, my belief was quite wrong.  I think there are maybe about 10 types of polyamorites in the world (or more).  Certainly, the boundaries are not hard and fast, and I am not doubting that each one of you is a beautiful and unique flower with something special that makes you the exception, but the general rule holds nonetheless.  I think it all came together for me at a party hosted by some good friends of ours in Colorado Springs.  They were a (mostly) functional triad with two children.  They were kind and friendly to us when they first encountered us, and were incredible friends.  I walked into the cluttered living room and waved to them across the half-filled couches.  Two waved back, and the third looked up from a conversation with a curly haired refugee from the eighties, a look of amused despair on her face.  The man in question seemed oblivious to this look, and continued blithely pressing his suit.  It occurred to me that here were two extremely different types of people.

            Polyfi:  Polyfi has been polyamorous for years; long enough to watch the current internet blossoming of the polyamory “community” with a hope that slowly over time has become resigned disappointment.  Polyfi is usually very attractive, with attractive mates, and, no, no matter how many times you mention your stamp collection, Polyfi will not sleep with you.  Not now, not ever.  Polyfi’s natural enemies are Entitled and Fanatic.

            Entitled:  Entitled is almost always male.  He goes to poly events with one goal, and one goal only: to take home whatever woman he can manage to convince.  He will start the evening talking incessantly to the most attractive woman in the room (usually Polyfi) and persists until he is first gently, then rudely rebuffed.  Undeterred, he will turn his attentions to the next most attractive woman in the room.  Usually, he'll go home with Easy, unless even she can't abide his smarmy ways.  As time goes by, Entitled can sometimes evolve into Fanatic.

            As my wife and I circulated through the party (and she fended off her turn with Entitled) I began to look at the others and wonder whether they represented certain types as well.  I thought back to other events, and started observing again.  There was the somewhat disgruntled woman sitting off in the corner, looking occasionally at her husband (across the room, chatting with someone ten years younger than either of them) with a look hovering between wistfulness and jealousy.  Over on another couch, an aggressively together couple snags the much-sought-after attention of a woman that actually came here alone, and is by reputation bisexual.

            Hobbit:  short for "hot bi babe": the holy grail of polyamory.  Vessel for the ill-conceived fantasies of many a poly couple, man, and woman.  Not only is she (in theory) eminently available, but she might actually like YOU.  Why not?  Hobbit rivals polyfi in popularity, but is usually not as attractive.  In some cases it is possible to confuse Hobbit with Easy.  Hobbit's natural enemies are non-existent...but her natural predators are everywhere, waiting to pounce and snatch up this hot commodity before some other person or persons manage to do so.

            Twofer:  They may not be joined at the hip, but it sure seems like it sometimes.  Twofer is always on the prowl for someone they BOTH can date...and is nominally interested in nothing else.  Often times, being a Twofer is a compromise to avoid one party being Reluctant Spouse.  Twofers are sometimes (but not always) also Newbies.  Twofer's natural enemies include Hypocrite and Fanatic, but that's partially because both are trying to split one off from the other, which will always result in horrible drama.  Twofer sometimes generates Hypocrite and Hobbit, but not always.

            Easy:  Female fusion of Hobbit and Entitled.  Usually not as attractive as Hobbit, but makes up for it with a willingness to sleep with anyone and everyone that asks her.  Sometimes single, sometimes married, her relationships do not usually last long, and are often emotionally unfulfilling, which only spurs her to keep trying all the harder.  Easy's natural enemy is Romantic, but that won't stop him from sleeping with her, too.

            Philanderer:  Male.  Philanderer is always male.  He's somehow convinced his wife (Reluctant Spouse) that they should get into the poly "lifestyle," and either obliviously doesn't notice her unease or willfully ignores it.  Philanderer often closely resembles Entitled in his behavior.  Philanderer will encourage Reluctant Spouse to explore polyamory, and tries to set her up with women he wants to sleep with as well.  When Reluctant Spouse becomes interested in a male, however, Philanderer often becomes Hypocrite

            Reluctant Spouse:  She doesn't want to be here.  Really.  Her pride is wounded, she feels bad for being angry at Philanderer, and doesn't have the guts to tell him so.  Reluctant Spouse will eventually find the courage to date herself, and will be surprised again when Philanderer reveals himself as Hypocrite.

            No Boys Allowed:  No Boys Allowed is nearly always married to either Monogamous (male variety) or Hypocrite.  By decree, negotiation, or desire, she doesn't go after other men, and is somewhat insulted when other men ignore this fact and hit on her anyway.  No Boys Allowed is sometimes a Twofer in disguise.

            Quixotic: Quixotic is male and in love with No Boys Allowed.  Poor guy, but he's kind of asking for it.  Unless Quixotic manages to find some perspective, he will inevitably evolve into Fanatic.

            Fanatic: Fanatic thinks any negotiation, arrangement, or rules at all restricting who one's partners can see is tantamount to slavery and oppression.  He will climb high on his might horse and trumpet loudly "That's not poly!" and suggest that others need to shed their outmoded ways of dealing with relationships.  Fanatic will attempt to fix the definition of "polyamory" and "non-monogamy" using circuitous routes of logic (and fallacy).  Fanatic is rarely without his copy of "The Ethical Slut" and will insist that any and all newbies read it.  Fanatic will unabashedly encourage people with arrangements (especially No Boys Allowed) to leave their current partner(s) and find someone who will give them true freedom.  By definition, of course, this means them.  Convenient, huh?  Fanatic's natural enemies include anyone with a brain.

            Matriarch:  Matriarch loves attention.  She's often in her late thirties, is no longer skinny, and is often strikingly beautiful.  She can usually be seen holding court surrounded by a gaggle of admirers.  Cigar in one hand, whiskey in the other, she picks and chooses the best and brightest from her followers.  She usually rules the local poly social scene with an iron, yet benevolent hand.  She has an intense dislike for Entitled, and never invites him to her parties.

            Romantic: Romantic feels that it is his (or her) destiny to have many loves...and will do all possible to make this happen.  Romantic will actively woo, post regular holiday "I love you ALL" messages on his livejournal, publicly comment about how happy-making this lifestyle is...and generally try to "live the dream".  This is attractive to some, a turn-off for others.

            Hypocrite: "But honey, it's perfectly fair!  We'll have the same rules.  Both of us can only date women!"  Hypocrite was often once a Philanderer who discovers he's not quite as sanguine about his wife having other men as he originally claimed.  Hypocrite is surprisingly common, and often masquerades as any of the other types of Polyamorite.  The Fanatic actively plots Hypocrite's downfall, usually by encouraging Quixotic.

            Newbie:  Newbie is brand new to all that is polyamorous.  Newbie is full of optimism, hope, and has not yet realized that their ideal doesn't exist in the real world.  Newbie is often part of a Twofer.  Newbies are always welcomed with great fanfare, as everyone else jostles to get their chance at the fresh meat.

            Kinkball:  the name says it all.  Not only is kinkball polyamorous, kinkball is also into bondage, domination, watersports, yiffing, and half a dozen things you haven't heard of.  Kinkball lords their "more alternative than you" lifestyle as much as they can, and then complains of discrimination when other people complain.

            Picky: Can be male or female, and confuses many.  Picky will go to many poly events, meet, greet, and generally mingle.  Despite all this, Picky usually goes home with the same person that they came to the party with.  Picky will shoot down many attempts at flirtation, smoothly turning them into mere friendly conversation.  Some will hypothesize that Picky is not poly at all, but for Picky it comes down to this: "the odds are good, but the goods are odd."  That said, if Picky manages to find someone to meet their stringent standards, Picky will often evolve into Polyfi.  Can sometimes be mistaken for Snob

            Snob:  Snob will come to the poly party and subtly mock everyone around them.  They will not date anyone there, and wonder aloud why so many people attracted to poly are ugly, fat, or both.  Snob will not hesitate to show pictures of their unreasonably attractive mates.  While one would expect Snob to be equally attractive, this is not always the case.

            Homophobe:  Homophobe embarasses everyone around him.

            Bait:  Bait attempts to procure nubile female flesh for her husband by using herself as a lure for bisexual women.  She herself may not in fact be bisexual, and may even be a closet homophobe, but she'll do anything for her man.  The religious sub-type of Bait--sister-wife--is especially notorious for this, but she tends not to come to poly parties.  After all, she might meet strange people there.

            Out of Play: Out of play--for whatever reason--would really, really like to be poly, but isn't dating right now.  No, not even you.

            Monogamous: Happier than Reluctant Spouse, monogamous knows what they want, and knows that poly is not it.  That said, most specimens of Monogamous you will meet through the polyamory community do not mind if their spouse is Poly; in fact, Monogamous will often encourage it, to the confused consternation of everyone.  Monogamous sometimes has tried poly in the past, and "grown out of it."  Monogamous' greatest "enemy" is Fanatic, but Monogamous never hangs out on polyamory bulletin boards, and doesn't notice the hue and cry at all.

            I don't go to many poly meet ups anymore.  It's hard to see past the types when I go to these events.  These days, I prefer to make friends one on one with the rare poly person or couple I come across out in the real world.  This means fewer dates, but also less drama.  Maybe someday I'll be brave enough to venture back into one of those meat markets, but I'm not counting on it anytime soon.

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By Brian Frederick

1. Tell the Truth. Lasting relationships are built on trust. Trust is built on honesty. Honesty isn't hard and it's a good habit. Bite the bullet, tell the truth. If your relationship can't weather it, you are in the wrong relationship; but it probably can. Telling the truth is easier than lying, all rumour and myth to the contrary. Lies are a lot of work. They weigh you down and isolate you. Small lies get lonely and seek out bigger lies. Don't ask one lover to lie or keep secrets from others. Secrets may not be lies but they breed lies. Secrets build walls and discourage intimacy. Know the difference between privacy and secrecy.

Resist the desire to tell someone what you think they want to hear or try to protect them. "Especially do not feign affection." If you're not sure about love, say so. If your relationships are not a high priority in your life, let people know. Encourage honesty in others. Above all, be honest with yourself. Are you looking to build a family or for a little sexual variety?

2. Know Yourself. This is the most important tool and sometimes the hardest to find. Spend quality time with yourself and find out what you're like. Most people never do. Learn to tell when you are moody or unreasonable or defensive or hyper-sensitive or blinded by New Relationship Energy. Know your limits. Discover where you could do better. Learn what's healthy for you and what's not. Figure out what your priorities really are. Learn when to take a walk and cool off.

Many people never see the consistent patterns in their own behaviour that are obvious to everyone else, like always pursuing the same type of lover or always turning relationships into soap operas or lovers into adversaries. They are blind to themselves. What don't you know about yourself? If you know about your addictions you can transform them into a preferences and eventually into a choices, but first you have to know about them.

Take time to discover things like: what baggage are you carrying from your childhood or your last relationship, what do you need and what do you only want, what pushes your buttons and why, which things are you willing to compromise on, what are your core motivations, what makes you jealous or insecure or competitive, at what point are you over-extending yourself, what are your patterns, strengths and weaknesses, etc. Remember to learn your good points too. A lot of this goes back to honesty.

3. Take Care of Yourself. Work on you. "Grow your own garden in your own soul, don't wait for someone else to bring you flowers." Instead of looking to other people for validation or satisfaction or happiness, learn to make it yourself. This is a vitally important skill for living. You will always be at other people's mercy - until you learn to satisfy your own needs. Once you do, you gain a freedom and confidence that can never be taken away. You can meet people as equals and choose to enjoy each other instead of carefully exchanging needs in a scarcity-driven emotional economy. Ironically, people find this kind of independence very attractive.

Take time by yourself to think about what you need to work on and give yourself the space to do it. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, like yourself, love yourself, accept yourself, forgive yourself, respect yourself, serve yourself, nurture yourself, just be yourself and please, sharpen a knife and cut yourself some slack. Everyone is too hard on themselves and everyone's mirrors are warped. Yours are too; learn to compensate. Learn emotional first aid. Your relationship with yourself is the foundation of all your other relationships.

4. Take Responsibility. Own your feelings. No one can make you sad or angry or happy either, they are your emotions. They exist in your head and nowhere else. You own them. You. There are always choices. Accept that sometimes you feel good or bad for no reason at all - not because of the people or events in your life. When you make someone else accountable for your feelings, your disempower yourself.

Playing the victim or martyr is just a way to manipulate people. To say, "I hurt you because my parents hurt me", is to surrender your life to other people and to the past. Be here now. Take charge of your own feelings and actions and life. You are responsible for seeing that your own needs get met. (Yes, even your own sexual needs.) Don't tell other people "do me, make me happy, protect me." Learn to take care of yourself.

If there are problems in one of your relationships or if your life is a mess, stand up and carry your share of the responsibility (and no more), even if you don't think you deserve it. Taking responsibility is not taking blame. "It's all your fault," causes new problems, it doesn't solve any. The more responsibility you take over your own life, the more freedom you have.

5. Encourage Growth. Remember to care about your lovers as human beings. Support them in advancing their careers, spiritual pursuits, educations and ambitions. At their own pace and in their own way. Help them to heal and understand themselves better. Encourage them to take time by themselves and give them the space they need. Help them cultivate strength. Ask them to do the same for you but tell them how; they can't read your mind. One way to encourage growth is to give those you love the freedom to love others.

Some people find neediness and weakness very attractive. Maybe they think they'll be abandoned if their loved ones get strong. They might try to keep people weak and needy so they'll stay. They might give generously but with conditions and strings attached. This is not unconditional love - it may not be love at all - it might just be aggressive need.

Growth can be stunted by difficult emotions like insecurity or fear of abandonment. One way to manage a limiting emotion is to meet it head on. "The only way out - is through." Don't hide from it; that just gives it power. Dive in and weather it and survive it and examine it. Your fear is far worse than reality. Learn that and the emotion loses its power and you grow stronger. You can even use jealousy, insecurity, etc. to teach you about yourself. They are valuable. Pay attention to them and learn from them.

6. Respect. Respect is a form of love. Respect yourself, set limits and boundaries and respect those of other people. Know how and when to clearly say `no' and how to listen when others say `no'. Never tolerate abuse. You deserve better. Remember to be polite to your partners, they deserve it even more than the stranger down the street.

Try not to save all your best stuff for one partner and take your partners for granted, especially when they are together. Try to treat them evenly or someone will feel slighted. Comparisons make people compete and force someone to be the loser. Find a way for everyone to win.

Respect relationships as well as people. Each relationship seems to have a natural shape; don't try to force it to be something else. Think of each relationship as a separate entity that could be healthy or sick. Resist the urge to use a relationship to get your head in order; a lover is not a life raft. If you need therapy, see a doctor.

It's easy to project your expectations onto other people. "Maybe they'll change." Don't try to force a person to be someone they are not. People are package deals; accept them for who they are, good and bad, or don't accept them at all.

If you want respect, keep your word. Keep to the spirit of your agreements; don't squabble over semantics looking for loop-holes to exploit. If you make an agreement in the kitchen, keep it in the bedroom. Every agreement you've ever made is really with yourself.

7. Communicate. If you want a healthy relationship, strong communication skills are a necessity, not a luxury. Trouble usually starts when talking stops. Things come up all the time that have to be worked through patiently and lovingly, even when you're having a bad day. It gets easier over time, but it takes work and a willingness to break up scar tissue and tear down walls. Communication skills are what make a person a good lover.

Arguing skills are not communication skills. Arguing better than someone doesn't make you right, it just makes you better at arguing. Sometimes people strive to `win' an argument at the cost of their own relationship. Negotiate a way for everyone to win.

Listening is more important than talking. Listen actively and don't just hear. Make eye contact. Be here now, don't wander. Paraphrase their words to see if you heard them right. Notice your own words and feelings, ask why they are what they are. Listen to unhappy feelings (yours and those of others) without needing to fix them. Listen to disagreements without taking sides. Listen to non-verbal communication, which usually speaks more clearly than words. Be aware of how the people in your life are loving you.

Some talk is not communication. If you get lost in the woods and pass the same landmark several times, you are making the same mistake over and over. Raising your voice or speaking harshly makes you harder to understand, not easier. Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. "I think you're wrong" is easier to accept than "you are wrong." Directness works better than manipulation.

Clearly express yourself; people can't read your mind. Tear down the wall between your feelings and your words. Set limits and boundaries and communicate them. Make sure everyone knows what they are getting into. Learn how to defuse arguments. If necessary, learn how and when to say goodbye. Actions communicate better than words. Show people that you love them. Share kindness and affection and laughter. When in doubt, rub their feet.

8. Attitude. Having tools isn't enough, you have to really want to use them. Ya gotta wanna. Your disposition will make it work or blow it. Find a way for everyone to win. Make important decisions unanimous. Shine a positive light on difficult situations too; many relationships wither from negative energy. Don't turn little things into big things. Look for solutions, not someone to blame. Practice tolerance, patience, flexibility, generosity, understanding, forgiveness. Learn to apologize. Laugh at yourself.

Be wrong; you can't learn from errors if you always gotta be right. Let it go; be happy instead. Listen more than you talk. Give someone else the last word. See things through their eyes; empathy is the cure for anger. Stay calm and remember to breath. Let down your walls, trust, open up, risk and let yourself be vulnerable. Without vulnerability there is no intimacy. Take your time and emphasize friendship over romance. Savour what you have instead of dwelling on what you don't have. Practice truly unconditional love. Share.

These tools apply to lovers (monogamous or poly, straight, gay, bi or sell) but also to friends, children, parents and yourself. They won't give anyone a healthy relationship, but if you find yourself confounded and don't know what to do, one of these might help.

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Source: Chicago Sun Times

When Tilda Swinton won the best supporting actress Oscar for "Michael Clayton," there wasn't too much talk about what designer she was wearing.

But people were curious about her date.

Swinton, 47, brought along 29-year-old Sandro Kopp, an actor and artist she met while filming "The Chronicles of Narnia."

Nowhere in sight was playwright John Byrne, 67, her husband and father of her twins.

Both men know about each other. And both are OK with it.

You might call the arrangement "awfully messy." Or you might call it by its proper name: polyamory. That's the practice of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

"Tilda's relationship situation is exactly like the relationships of many people I know," says polyamory activist Anita Wagner. "Except for the fame and money."

Some people have the capacity to love more than one person, and somehow they have the energy to work at more than one committed relationship, too. Open marriages probably have been around as long as marriage.

It's not a higher love, says Cunning Minx, an Oak Park polyamorist who hosts a weekly podcast at http://polyweekly.libsyn.com/. Poly people get jealous just like everyone else. "It's not more evolved, it's just a little more complicated," she says. "People do this because it's an orientation. For some, it's a lifestyle choice."

Like most polyamorists, Minx uses a pseudonym because there's no legally protected status. In the poly community, especially in Chicago, people try to keep things quiet.

"You can be fired for it, and your kids can be taken away," Minx says. "We have a saying: In a divorce hearing, the first person to call the other person 'poly' gets the kids."

A recent poll on Oprah.com found 7 percent of women say they have an open marriage, while 14 percent of men do.

"Chicago is probably the least well-organized of the major cities in terms of having an active and well-organized polyamory community," Wagner says. "This doesn't mean that poly people don't exist, though."

There's a PolyChi Yahoo! group with more than 1,000 members, who meet once or twice a month. Sidekicks on Montrose and the Center on Halsted are common poly gathering places. "The Fox Valley area is very active for meet-ups and potlucks," Minx says.

She was initiated into the lifestyle when she fell in love with a polyamorist, Gray Dancer, who was engaged and later married. Without any rules to follow, the threesome sometimes had a hard time working things out. Her podcast started out as a way to ask questions and find others like her.

"The amount of communication and calendar shuffling involved can be daunting," Minx says.

Next she fell in love with a man in Atlanta who had a wife and a 2-year-old son. "His wife was quite lovely," Minx says. "She was happy that when I got bored, I would clean their house." They dated for nine months.

It's not the same thing as "swingers," she clarifies. "People always want to know about the sex," she says. "The word 'compersion' means a type of joy that you take in seeing your partner with somebody else. The British call it 'frubble.' It's when your wife comes home and she's all glowing from a date with her new partner, and she wants to share."

A few other famous "responsible non-monogamists":

Diego Rivera tolerated wife Frida Kahlo's relationships with other men and women (including Leon Trotsky).

Amelia Earhart had a prenuptial agreement that "I shall not hold you to any midaevil [sic] code of faithfulness."

Billionaire Warren Buffett was happily married to his wife until she died in 2004. He also had a long-term relationship with mistress Astrid Menks. They sent out Christmas cards signed, "Warren, Susie and Astrid."

After Jada Pinkett Smith was interviewed by Britain's Daily Mail, polyamorists rallied behind her marriage. "In our marriage vows, we didn't say 'forsaking all others,'" said Smith in the interview. "The vow that we made was that you will never hear that I did something after the fact.

"If it came down to it, then one can say to the other, 'Look, I need to have sex with somebody. I'm not going to if you don't approve of it -- but please approve of it."

Don't be shocked until you examine your own history, Minx says. "Think back. Was there ever an 'aunt' or an 'uncle' who visited your grandparents all the time? Or a couple they spent a lot of time with, or a 'good friend of the family?' "

Welcome to the club.

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Source: Staten Island Advance

It's difficult for Rose Fox to watch romance movies. At the end, she is always disappointed when the protagonist is forced to decide between two love interests. She wonders: Why not choose both?

Ms. Fox, 29, is polyamorous. She lives with her husband in Manhattan, speaks weekly to her long-distance girlfriend in Portland, Ore., and currently is "feeling out" another love prospect. Her spouse, Josh, 36 -- who requested only his first name be used -- recently has fallen for a younger woman, who herself has a fiancee.

"They're stupidly in love; they are so cute together," Ms. Fox says about Josh and his semi-new flame.

Practicing polyamory, Ms. Fox and her husband believe in having sexual, loving relationships with multiple partners simultaneously, with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

As "primaries," Ms. Fox and her husband "come first in each other's eyes," but have an agreement in which they can develop relationships outside the marriage.

Their only rules include, says Ms Fox: "Don't get anyone sick or pregnant and don't damage the relationship." Everything else is pretty much fair game.

What makes the situation work, she notes, is a lot of trust, openness, loyalty and negotiation.

According to Ms. Fox, polyamorous relationships are very fluid, and it is really up to those involved to define the dynamics.

"There are a lot of different configurations," she explains. "Triads work; quads work, but are hard to do."

There are those who are "polyfidelitious," faithful to the poly group, who act very much like a family. Others prefer a "V" configuration, in which the "arm" partners are not as close to each other as each is to the "pivot" partner.

"It's really a 'roll your own' relationship," explains Ms. Fox, who got involved in her first open relationship at age 14 while dating her first boyfriend.

"We were randy teen-agers and thought it'd be kind of cool to date other people while still being together," Ms. Fox recalls.

"The first time was when I was out of town [during summer vacation]," she continues. "He called me for our weekly phone call, and he told me he met this girl. The bottom jumped out of my stomach."

But when she got back, she realized it would be OK. Her boyfriend was eager to tell her about this new girl and still very much wanted her to be a part of his life.

But, "I do get jealous, and I do get insecure," Ms. Fox says, revealing how she recently felt toward her husband's current interest.

Right now Josh is experiencing a lot of "New Relationship Energy" -- the euphoria every person has when falling in love -- and Ms. Fox is having a harder time coping with it than usual.

But, "my jealousy is my problem," she says, pointing out, "Josh has done nothing wrong."

She believes her jealousy is a sign of her own insecurity and something she needs to address herself.

Eventually, she realized the reason she was feeling a bit shut out was because she wanted more of a role to play in the relationship, even if that simply means "playing hostess" and welcoming this woman into her home.

Today, she says her jealousy has been replaced by "compersion," or the joy of seeing how happy her husband is with this other woman. It is a feeling many polyamorists report having.

"They are deeply in love. You look at them and think, 'This one is for the ages; they're beautiful,'" Ms Fox says about Josh and his new lover, without a trace of envy.

Ms. Fox and her husband married two years ago. Not a legal ceremony, the wedding was a celebration of their love, to signify they are "first in each other's lives."

Ms. Fox remembers at the wedding: "I caught my father flirting with my girlfriend."

"All these people here, you either were dating, are dating or will be dating" was his response to her.

For the most part, Ms. Fox had to agree.

Yet when it comes to sex, the Manhattan resident says, "I can take it or leave it.

"Contrary to the stereotype [about polyamorists], I do not have a ravenous libido."

It's true: Many in the polyamory community have a huge appetite for sex, and it's very hard for one woman or man to keep them satisfied, says Ms. Fox.

That's why she and her husband regularly get tested for STDs, and are careful about protecting themselves during sex.

There is one thing polyamorists cannot protect themselves against: The heartbreak of getting dumped. Because breakups in polyamorous relationships are very personal, they sting even more, says Ms. Fox.

It's not like they're breaking up because there is "someone else" -- polys are encouraged to date other people -- so the reason really has to do with you.

Ms. Fox recalls how painful it was when one partner broke up with her.

"I am sorry. I don't know how this happened, but I am not in love with you anymore," she recalls him as saying.

Ouch.

For a while, it was weird, she says. But, at least she had her husband's shoulder to cry on.

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Source: Diamondback Online

Sophomore computer science major Seth Weinstein has two girlfriends: One he sees during the school year, and the other when at home in Columbia.

But don't get him confused for a player or even a cheater - he's simply polyamorous.

A growing relationship type among university students, polyamory is the practice of intimately and openly dating several people at once. Different from an open relationship, polyamory is not just about sex, nor is it about playing the field, say students involved in the practice. Instead, it's about caring for several people at the same time - just in different ways.

"We are just trying to be open and honest about our ability to love more than one person at a time," Marly Davidson, an event organizer for the Chesapeake Polyamory Network, said.

A romantic concept that has been around since the '80s, polyamory is now making its way into the public eye more so than in past generations. For example, episodes of Oprah, Montel and The Tyra Banks Show have been dedicated to the subject, and countless polyamorous organizations have popped up across the Internet, with many, such as Loving More and Poly Living, holding conferences every year.

Though Davidson said the poly-community at CPN consists of adults from 30- to 70-years-old, more and more members of the younger generation are discovering this relationship alternative.

"We run into a lot of people, younger people, thinking for themselves, and they understand that they have lots of options," Davidson said. "The whole idea of one person meeting all of their needs for rest of their lives is very silly. It's not realistic."

Weinstein felt polyamory functions well for the college-age generation, and was content with balancing two relationships at one time. He has been dating girlfriend C.J. Rock, a junior lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender studies and Spanish major, for about seven months after their friendship blossomed over summer conversations online.

Rock, however, is always on the go because of her double major, and encouraged Weinstein to pursue other relationships, fearing that she could not always fit him into her tight schedule.

"I'm so busy," Rock said. "I kind of feel bad not giving the person enough attention as they deserve. In polyamory, it's easier for the person to get the attention they need when I can't provide it."

So when Weinstein met Adrienne Moser at a party during Thanksgiving break, he felt free to start a relationship with her.

Weinstein now dates Rock while at school and sees Moser when at home, creating a perfect situation that all three parties are open and fine with.

"In a traditional relationship, I would have been put in a difficult situation when I met Adrienne," Weinstein said. "I was attracted to her and I can't do anything about that. I'm a sophomore. I can date a lot of people and see who interests me."

Although the typical relationship would see such openness as a form of double-dipping, Davidson says jealousy is often a symptom of a poorly-functioning relationship. Openly dating several people eliminates that problem, she added.

And for Weinstein, Moser and Rock, the situation mostly works, they said.

"I pretty much can do what I'm used to doing," Moser said. "If I meet someone, I don't have to be like 'Oh my God, will my boyfriend not like me talking to this guy?' I am able to not have to worry about the jealousy factor."

As with any relationship, things are not always perfect, Rock said, and conflicts are bound to come up with multiple people. To avoid situations like these, the polyamorist mantra is communication, with honesty between all parties functioning as the lifeline to the relationships, Rock added.

"It forces an honesty that people don't always bring to a relationship," she said. "You have to talk about things."

But in no way is polyamory a glorified form of an open relationship, polyamorists say.

For example, while sophomore computer science major Mike Onufrak has a girlfriend of 10 months, the relationship is an open one, and he occasionally hooks up with other girls, he said. Because he and his girlfriend communicate about what they're doing, Onufrak said, the outside dalliances are simply understood as sex without emotional attachment.

"I don't get into serious relationships in college," Onufrak said. "In college, it just does not sound like a fun thing to do."

While Weinstein stressed the benefits of being intimate and involved with several people at once, he added polyamory requires more discussion between those involved - a situation certainly not everyone can deal with.

"If a person cannot handle you being with another person, this is not the relationship to be in," Weinstein said.

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