Check this, from a F.O.A.F. Handy, no?
The idea of the spectrum is that it gives a 1 to 10 rating of the intensity
between "no" and "yes". It can be useful because not only will it help you
gauge your own intensity, it can make it easier to express your position
when you're talking about an emotionally charged subject. So, here's the
scale:
1. "No, and I never want to talk about this again."
2. "No, but you could ask again in the future."
3. "No, but I can see a possible path towards yes, so let's discuss it."
4. "No for today, but my mind is open. Let's take our time and discuss it."
5. "No for today, but I am close to yes. Let's talk about some remaining
issues or obstacles."
6. "Yes, but I'm not comfortable with it."
7. "Yes, but with severe limitations that may not be what you want."
8. "Yes, within broad limits that you seem to be comfortable with."
9. "Yes, you have my blessing with no limits."
10. "Yes, and I'm actively encouraging you. Why are we still talking
instead of acting?"
When you are afraid to ask your partner something, it's typically because
you think their answer will be #1. Maybe it will be. Personally, I think
it's worth asking and knowing rather than just assuming. If the answer is
#3 or above, you can actually start talking about it.
It's important to remember is that not all things require #10 to do. If I
wanted to blow some money on a new camera, my partner might be at #6, but I
would feel OK doing it anyway. However, if I wanted to get hand-fasted to
another woman, I would need a #10 from my partner to feel OK doing it.
Ultimately we decided that most actions and relationships in the poly realm
require a #7 or #8 as the minimum to act.
It's also important to understand that not everything will move up the scale
into the "yes" range, and that's OK. This is not a tool to persuade someone
towards yes. It's a tool to better communicate your position on a
particular subject.
Comments